


Erotic Stacks

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-19
Updated: 2004-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 07:33:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1639127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Request 1: Discworld (Esk/The Librarian/The Wizards)<br/>Details: Esk meets the Faculty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Erotic Stacks

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Odrade

 

 

Just as Granny Weatherwax once observed, Eskarina Smith was a backward sort of girl.

Now 16 years of age and having become the most powerful Witch/Wizard on the Disc, Eskarina still did not know the facts of life.

Which had once, metaphorically and unsuccessfully, been explained to her in an Unseen University lecture as involving coconuts.

Eskarina, highly confused by what the Wizard education system taught in terms of sexual education (Do Not Have It Or Your Staff Will Catch A Horrible Disease) turned to Granny Weatherwax.

Mistress Weatherwax, who had never married or understood the lyrics to A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End was not very helpful.

"What do you need to know that stuff for, you're a witch," she said blankly. "It's only good for sheep and that's only for making lambs. You're not, I hope, trying to have lambs."

Eskarina gave Mistress Weatherwax a Look.

Mistress Weatherwax squinted back at her.

Their eyes began to water.

"Fine, if you won't tell me, I'll find out on my own," Eskarina huffed.

"Can you explain sexual intercourse to me?" Eskarina said to her friend Simon during one of their study session. Simon was a bit older than Eskarina and had spots. He was an approachable sort of person and a very well read young man. Blushing furiously, Simon wrote down some reference numbers for her to look up in the Library.

The tricky thing with the Unseen University Library was that due to magical leaks and the subsequent contortion of the laws of time, space and common sense, the Erotic Stacks could not be found in an alcove at the back of the library behind a flimsy curtain partition[footnote 1]. The relevant heart pumping, hair raising collection rather had a habit of popping up in front of unsuspecting wizards at random[footnote 2].

Eskarina decided to wander down each aisle until she came upon the Erotic Stacks. This was of course an impossible task, because the Unseen University Library, technically, had an unlimited collection.

Eskarina's frequent trips to the library had an unexpected effect upon her. After hours spent wandering the shelves and browsing the titles, Eskarina found that she really liked being among the books. Listening to the quiet shivering of pages and having the magic charged atmosphere brush against her skin like a warm breeze. The Library had high expansive ceilings and very few visitors. If the University was a bustling city, then the library was a secluded jungle, full of magical dangers and ruled by an orangutan.

Eskarina liked to sit on a pile of texts, idly flicking through to the pictures, whilst watching out of the corner of her eyes, the Librarian swinging elegantly from shelf to shelf.

Eskarina discovered that before breakfast, the library books woke from their sleep and stirred their pages. Fanning themselves, they made sounds of differing pitch and tone, like rainforest birds, they conversed. Whilst the Librarian climbed up and down the towering shelves, doing the dusting.

During Lunch, sometimes, a few brave or desperate students tried to borrow books. The Librarian sat at the Loans Desk and screeched at them until they stopped trying to show him their library cards. Afterwards, the librarian would eat a banana.

In the afternoons, the books dozed. In their dreams, they talked, the voices of their authors echoed at the end of corridors, speaking quotes. Eskarina liked this time the best, because the Librarian too would nap.

The Librarian would go to his nest, which is at the top of the Magical Disasters Section. This being a prolific area of academic interest was the tallest shelf in the whole library.

The Librarian slept on his stomach, his limbs hanging down like furry drapes and his face gentled as he snored.

Eskarina would stand at the base of the shelf and look up at the Librarian, observing with intrigue his muscled legs and extra long arms, his humped back and leathery face.

Eskarina fell in love.

No one remembered the Librarian's name or what he had looked like before one of the books turned him into an orangutan. Eskarina imagined that the Librarian had been a strong, brave man once upon a time, a bit of a thrill seeker who had taken on the job of Head Librarian at Unseen University, the single most dangerous desk job on the Disk. She imagined that he had worn Wizard's robes with Octarin camouflague on it, had a sporty sort of Wizard's hat with an inbuilt helmet and a staff which was collapsible and could be whipped out of his boots in a flash. She also thought he might have had red hair and a nice smile. She was sixteen after all.

In the evenings, the Librarian catalogued. He also mended tatty volumes and sent out overdue notices. Then the Librarian cancelled a few borrowing cards, updated his book orders and balanced the petty cash.

After that, the library would be closed and Eskarina, all afloat with warm, indecipherable feelings would be forced to leave. Sometimes the librarian chased her down the aisle, sad faced and legs bowed, waving a "Closed For Maintenance" sign. Eskarina got a real thrill out of that.

What a lonely and excotic creature the Librarian was! Eskarina began to fantasise about what it would be like to have him pick lice off her, or lick her hand, or stamp her loans.

One evening, Eskarina hid under the Librarian's desk until the library closed. She watched the Librarian put all the books to bed and double check the locks on some of the more dangerous literature. She was half asleep when he was done. The Librarian came and sat down at the desk and Eskarina saw him take out from his drawers a candle, stationary and an iconograph. There was the sound of a quill on parchment until the candle had burnt out. Then the Librarian slinked away to his nest. Eskarina got out and studied the Librarian's desk.

The first thing she looked at was the iconograph. An Imp had drawn it, using three different colours nonetheless[footnote 4]. The person in the picture was a wary and scared looking man who had some stray whiskers instead of a beard and an emancipated face. The man was very unimpressive and no one would have thought he was a wizard if he hadn't stitched it in sequins on his hat.

On the back of the iconograph it said: "Dear (Inkblot), I am as good as can be expected and I hope you are not dead or maimed or anything. I am still running away from things and I can't say I'm enjoying myself much. I would like to come back and sort out the filing but I don't think that will happen anytime soon. In any case, if you are seeing other wizards whilst I'm away, I understand. -Rincewind"

The Librarian's reply also sat on the desk. It had written on it "OOK!!!!!" in very big letters, repeatedly.

Eskarina walked to the Librarian's nest and sat under it, listening to his sniffles until the morning star shone. Eskarina returned to her own room with the distinct feeling that things were about to change.

The next day, it happened. The Librarian was off his banana. A wizard, Trestle, walked in and gave one to the Librarian in exchange for a book. The Librarian threw the banana at his head in exchange for Trestle's cry of pain.

"Ook," said the Librarian.

"I would most certainly not!" said Trestle.

"Ook," said the Librarian.

"Ho now, that's rather forward," said Trestle. "What if I want to be taken to dinner first?"

The Librarian grabbed Trestle by the waist and ran towards his nest. Eskarina followed. What happened next did not involve any coconuts at all.

The Librarian dangled Trestle upside down from the top shelf until his robes fell off. Then the Librarian and Trestle wrestled on top of the Magical Disasters shelves. The general impression their coupling conveyed to Eskarina was a blur of beards and wrinkly skin. Occasionally, Trestle sighed in delight and cleared his throat when he heard himself.

They were too high up for Eskarina to see any salient details. But it looked very complicated and tiring.

Afterwards, Trestle was sent off with the book he had wanted. And the Librarian spent the afternoon sitting in his nest and beating his chest, looking defiant and a bit exhausted.

No one dared to visit the library. Eskarina alone prowled the aisles, too worried to leave the Librarian alone.

Simon was next. Simon, being extremely studious and completely wrapped up in his studies of advance magics to notice that anything was awry. Up until the Librarian cornered him and handed him a Library fine notice.

"This loan was checked out before the Century of the Fruitbat! I wasn't even born then," Simon protested.

"Ook?" the Librarian pushed his face near Simon's and winked.

Simon turned red.

"I am very interested in a young lady," Simon stuttered.

"Ook," the Librarian nodded. "Ook."

"You do have a point there," Simon said.

Eskarina almost gasped, but caught herself, when she saw Simon kiss the Librarian. They locked lips, Simon puckering fiercely and the Librarian swallowing half his face in one smooshing, smacking movement.

Simon, who had had the benefit of reading the Erotic Stacks, then sunk to his knees and buried his face in the Librarian's abdomen. Which looked soft and inviting and Simon spent a great deal of time there, doing difficult and slobbery things. The Librarian's lips peeled back from his teeth and he closed his eyes.

Face burning, Eskarina watched Simon and the Librarian. She began to realise that the Erotic Stacks would be nothing compared to this.

The third time, Archchancellor Cutangle himself visited the Librarian.

"Would you like a banana?" said Cutangle, offering a very nicely shaped, bright yellow, fragrant and tempting banana.

"Ook," said the Librarian.

"It certainly is not laced with sedatives," Cutangle looked offended. "However do you get such a notion?"

"Ook," the Librarian scratched his underarm sulkily.

"Look, its just this wild sex for books arrangement is not strictly speaking in keeping with general library practice," Cutangle stated. "I mean, I've had four Wizards renouncing their Wizardom and going off to dance in suspect Dwarf & Dwarf bars instead."

"Ook," the Librarian scratched his head.

"Wizards need to keep their minds focused and sex is I am afraid a distraction, it gives people ideas like orientation and identity and messing about with poetry," said Cutangle. "Why don't you carry on as you once did, you never seemed this out of sorts before."

"Ook ook," the Librarian clambered to his desk and presented Rincewind's iconograph to Cutangle.

"There's a familiar face," said Cutangle. "Rincewind, the one who used to do your indexing and fetches your bananas?"

"Ook!" the Librarian nodded. "ook."

"I am very sorry to hear that. The hearts of men are difficult to keep. But might I beseech you to behave more professionally in future?" asked Cutangle. "And I will see what I can do in relation to Rincewind."

"Ook. Ook?" the Librarian smiled at Cutangle.

Cutangle looked over his shoulder. "Oh all right," he said.

Eskarina raised her eyebrows as she observed the Librarian, the Archchancellor and what they did with the banana.

Later that night, Eskarina tossed and turned in bed. She thought deeply about the Librarian and her infatuation and what she has learned from him. She thought about him in the library going through one wizard and then another whilst he waited for Rincewind's return. She remembered his wistful eyes and the sound of his quill scratching "OOK!!!!!" on his love letters. She could hear him howling "OOK!!!!!" in his heart and the sound of it hurt her.

At that moment Eskarina Smith learned the facts of life: Regardless if you are a librarian or a wizard, an orangutan or an Archchancellor, sex was madness and exhilaration and constant longing.

And contrary to what Granny Weatherwax had said, it did not involve lambs. Except for sheep.

Eskarina was not going to be a sheep.

The end.

[1] With a sign which read "Taxation Tales of Interest - Restricted browsing, do not enter immediately after dinner"  
[2] Often causing hats stand up in shock and staffs to throw Octarin sparks.  
[3] A piece of parchment rolled around a piece of rotten banana skin. This was often an effective threat because even the most powerful Wizard feared what an orangutan might send them wrapped up in paper the next time.  
[4] To be true to the subject of his painting the Imp had selected "Sallow Yellow", "Washing Water Grey" and "Startled Green"

 

 

 


End file.
